Alright friends, buckle up. This whole shock-absorbing oak timber idea? Pure accident. Was sipping lukewarm coffee one Tuesday, staring at this gnarly oak branch that fell during last week’s storm. Dog knocked my elbow – coffee went everywhere, curse words followed. Saw that branch just… bouncing. Like it had springs inside. That’s when the dumb lightbulb flickered: Could wood actually dance?

Grabbed my measuring tape first thing, muttering about splinters. That branch? Thicker than my wrist, maybe five feet long. Hauled it to the workbench like a caveman dragging dinner. Sanded off the bark – itchy stuff gets everywhere, trust me. Noticed something weird: the ends seemed softer, almost spongy where it snapped. Poked it. Squishier than expected. Huh.

Next step involved my garage full of questionable junk. Needed something heavy. Found an old engine block my buddy Dave “forgot” here years ago. Perfect anchor. Strapped the branch upright beside my beat-up workbench using bungee cords that probably expired before Y2K. Threw smaller chunks of scrap wood off the loft onto it. First test? Pathetic. Just went “thud” like my neighbor’s bellyflop into his pool. Zero bounce.

• Tried angling it. Still thud.
• Shaved the ends thinner with my dullest chisel – more give, but still dead.
• Even yelled at it. No change.

Nearly chucked the whole branch into the firewood pile. But then? Rain happened. Left it lashed outside overnight by accident. Next morning, damp as a dishrag. Figured why not? Tossed another wood chunk. This time? A wiggle! Barely. More like a shudder. But it moved! Realized water soaked into the fibers, maybe made it springier. Dumb part? Used leftover glue from a birdhouse project on one end. Slathered it on like mayo. Still tacky? Good enough. Stuck a brick to the glued end for extra oomph.

Made a proper frame from splintery two-by-fours I had lying around – looked like a drunken spider web. Hung the oak branch horizontally with thick ropes. Spit on the wood fibers at the anchor points for “lubrication” (don’t judge). Stood back, held my breath, and dropped a cinderblock from waist height.

BOING.

No joke. That soggy, glue-slathered hunk of oak wobbled like jelly. Bounced the cinderblock a good inch back up! Did it again. Same shaky little dance. Measured the drop height with a busted yardstick. Compared to straight concrete? Half the racket, way less vibration. Proof in the pudding? My coffee mug didn’t even slide off the bench.

Called it done. Mostly. Glue gave out after maybe ten drops. Probably shoulda used screws. Or less spit. Lesson learned? Sometimes nature’s accidents plus garage junk and questionable shortcuts… kinda work. Wife thinks I ruined the lawn. Might sleep in the shed.