Alright folks, gather ’round. Today’s nonsense involved me wrestling with wood and swearing at physics. We’re making something dumb and possibly useful: removable dancing hard maple timber. Don’t ask why, I just wanted to.

The Great Maple Disaster

First up, grabbed this chunk of hard maple timber. Thing weighed a ton. Seriously, felt like lugging a small elephant into the garage. Why maple? Dense. Hard. Supposedly holds shape better than that cheap pine crap. And dancing? Well, I figured if something heavy vibrates without falling apart, it’s probably sturdy enough for whatever.

Measured twice, cut once? More like measured once, eyeballed the rest, made three trips back to the saw. Got it down to roughly the size I wanted: maybe two feet long, solid rectangle shape about 4 inches thick. Sanded the rough edges down because nobody wants splinters.

Battle of the Bolts

Now, the “removable” bit. That meant figuring out how to attach and detach this heavy beast securely but easy-like. Tried those big screw-in hooks first. Hah! Junk. Maple just laughed at them. Screws held tight alright, but getting them out? Needed a wrench the size of my arm and nearly ripped my shoulder out trying to twist ’em loose. Nope.

Went digging. Found some heavy-duty bolts with large, chunky heads – like carriage bolts on steroids. Also picked up matching oversized wingnuts. Logic being: fingers could turn the wingnuts, right? Bolts needed big holes drilled clean through the maple. Drilled slow with a powerful drill, smelled burning wood halfway through. Had to stop, clear dust, cool the bit, try again. Took forever.

Bolted in place. Tested shaking the timber like crazy. This is where the “dancing” part comes in, folks. Stood there wobbling the timber like an idiot trying to make it vibrate. Bolts held tight. Maple didn’t crack. Minor miracle.

The Wingnut Gamble

Now, the grand wingnut experiment. Could fingers actually loosen these massive nuts after they’d been tightened good? Initial test: Hell no. Hurt like a bastard. Skin immediately pinched and angry. Big mistake. Swapped them out for the next size up wingnuts, hoping the wider “wings” would give better grip. Also smeared some beeswax on the threads – heard it stops rust and makes turning easier.

Second test:

• Tightened the wingnuts hard (but carefully!).
• Danced the timber around again. Solid.
• Took a deep breath, grabbed a wingnut. Used my whole palm for leverage, not just fingertips.

Felt it shift! A tiny bit of effort, and she started turning. Bit stiff at first, but definitely loosened by hand without needing tools. Success! Mostly. Still wouldn’t call it easy, but it worked.

Good Enough for Government Work

So there you have it. One heavy, stupid chunk of maple timber, drilled full of holes, held together with giant bolts and wrestle-able wingnuts. Can shake it like a tambourine gone wild, stays put. Can loosen it with bare hands, eventually. Not elegant. Not beautiful. But it does exactly what it says on the tin: removable dancing hard maple timber. Made some sawdust, solved a stupid problem my own stubborn way, called it a day.