Alright folks, buckle up because today’s project was wilder than a rodeo bull. So picture this: my backyard’s got this ancient basketball hoop standin’ there lonely as a forgotten garden gnome. Kids keep tripping over the base, mower ain’t got clearance, and I’m sick of seeing it rust away.
Gettin’ Sht Done
First I dragged my sorry butt to the hardware store. Grabbed some birch timber planks – yeah, the pretty blonde wood stuff. Why birch? Cause it’s tough as my grandma’s meatloaf but sands down real smooth. Also snagged these gnarly steel U-bolts, wingnuts the size of my palm, and weatherproof stain that smells like a chemical fart.
Chopped four timber pieces into 2-foot lengths right there in the driveway. Sawdust went everywhere – looked like a coconut exploded. Measured the base plate holes, then drilled matching holes in the birch planks. Pro tip: clamp the damn wood down unless you wanna lose fingers.
The “Aha!” Moment
Slapped those U-bolts through the base plate holes like shoving sausages into a pipe. Threaded ’em tight through my timber planks with regular nuts first. Then came the magic trick: replaced top nuts with them giant wingnuts. Twist those babies by hand and BOOM – timber base locked down tight.
Tried shoving the whole contraption across the patio. Worked slicker than oil on a doorknob! Removed the wingnuts in like ten seconds when Jenny needed to mow. Timbers stack flat in the garage now – ain’t stabbing anybody’s shins anymore.
Epic Fails & Fixes
- Splintered the first plank drilling too fast. Solution? Drank beer. Went slower on the others.
- U-bolts rattled like maracas. Wrapped hockey tape round the threads – shut ’em right up.
- Forgot rain exists. Added two coats of that stinky stain to save the wood from drowning.
End result? Sturdy enough to survive my idiot nephew dunking. Removable faster than I can change my mind. And that birch timber? Looks classy as hell against the rusted pole – like putting lipstick on a pig, but in a good way.
