The Floor Is Calling, Time to Dance

Got real tired of my sad, creaky living room floor. That fake wood laminate was buckling near the window where sun hit it, made this nasty clicking sound every time I practiced pad dancing. Looked like someone spilled coffee all over it too, stains wouldn’t budge. Tuesday morning I just kicked a loose board near the sofa and thought – screw this, doing larch wood now or never.

First thing? Ripped out every damn piece of that old floor. Used a pry bar and hammer, dust flying everywhere. Found like three dead cockroaches under there, nasty. Had to scrape off this black gunk the previous owners used for underlayment, took me two hours with a paint scraper. Sweat dripping into my eyes, back aching like hell.

Lumberyard Adventures & Measurements

Dragged my tired ass to the lumberyard Thursday afternoon. Showed the guy my phone pics of the room. He kept pushing expensive oak, but I stuck to larch planks. “You dance on this? Better get the thick ones,” he says, pointing at these 1-inch thick boards with grooves on the sides. Fine. Bought 15 bundles. Loading that into my truck felt like deadlifting a hippo.

Got home, laid everything in the garage. Measured the room again – damn walls weren’t straight! Southwest corner was 1.5 inches narrower than northeast. Grabbed my circular saw, set up sawhorses on the driveway. Cut three planks wrong because I forgot the groove direction. Swore at a bird that pooped on my measuring tape.

Nailing & Swearing

Started laying planks Saturday sunrise. Swept the concrete subfloor five times – still felt grit under my palm. Laid that squishy black underpad, taped seams with silver duct tape. First row against the longest wall? Straight as an arrow. Felt proud till plank four when the mallet slipped and I smashed my thumbnail. Nearly cried.

• Whacked tongue-and-groove edges together
• Whacked my knuckles twice
• Whacked the wall when plank wouldn’t fit

Halfway point, noticed a gap wider than my pinky. Had to rip up eight damn planks. The pneumatic nailer kept jamming – turns out I loaded the brads upside down. Got nail gun juice all over my shirt. My dog barked every time it hissed.

Finishing Touches & First Dance Test

Final stretch near the closet door. Had to notch around this weird pipe. Used a jigsaw – blade snapped mid-cut. Threw sawdust everywhere. Finished as streetlights came on. Wiped the whole floor with vinegar solution, sawdust sticking to my socks. Put area rug back. Took three painkillers and a beer.

Cranked music at 10 PM. Did a shuffle routine right over where the dead roaches were. No squeaks! Foot glides so smooth now, no more catching on warped boards. Almost slipped on a wood chip near the window though. Gotta fix that trim tomorrow. But tonight? Definitely dancing till my knees quit.