Alright so this whole birch timber basketball pad idea hit me last Thursday when it was raining buckets outside. My kid’s been begging for a driveway hoop but concrete’s outta the question here. Grabbed this thick plank of birch leftover from my failed bookshelf project – it’s real light, y’know?

How it went down

First thing: hauling the timber onto my workbench. Measured where the rim bracket screws gotta go. Screwed it up twice because measuring tape’s cracked near the 18-inch mark. Marked the spots with a fat pencil, drilled pilot holes like a madman with my wobbly cordless drill. Wood dust everywhere, sneezed like crazy.

Next part was ugly:

• Sawed off chunks at 45 degrees for backboard corners. Looked like a beaver chewed it.
• Sanded the hell outta the face and edges. Still got splinters later washing dishes.
• Slapped three coats of that “clear outdoor” varnish from the garage. Sticky mess, flies stuck to it overnight.

The Disaster Mounts

Attaching it to the garage wall? Used those heavy-duty toggle bolts. Drill slipped, put a hole right through the siding. Wife’s gonna kill me come spring. Tried bouncing the ball once mounted – sounded like a gunshot echoing off the garage door. Ball just slides off the birch, no grip at all. Kid took one shot, ball ricocheted straight into Mrs. Henderson’s tomato plants.

So now this birch board’s leaning against my shed, collecting spiders. Still owe the kid a basketball setup. Why birch? Stupid Pinterest post made it look so clean and minimalist. Never trust a picture without oily handprints and drill burns.

Reminds me of my last boss

Reminds me when old manager insisted we use bamboo for patio chairs ’cause it looked “eco-chic” in the catalog. Told him it’d crack faster than eggshells in winter. Nope. Bought two pallets of the stuff. Eighteen chairs snapped before summer ended. Clients demanded refunds. That department got shut down six months later. Manager quit, opened a “sustainable yoga mat” business. Last I heard he’s selling mats made from recycled plastic bottles that smell like sour milk.

Anyway. Birch ain’t for basketball pads. Maybe firewood. Got beer?