My Big Messy Dance Floor Project

It all started last Tuesday after slipping again on my garage concrete. My good knee yelled at me, so I said screw it, gonna build a dance floor that don’t move. Saw some slick “portable” setups online, but them prices made my eyes water. Decided to cobble my own thing together.

First step? Raided the shed like a crazed squirrel. Dug out:

• Six crusty plywood sheets left from when I tried building a chicken coop (failed, btw)
• A bucket of mismatched screws – shiny new ones mixed with rusty old boys
• Half a tube of wood glue crustier than week-old bread
• That wonky circular saw that always binds up

Measuring went exactly how you’d expect. Chalk line looked drunk. Cut the first plywood sheet and realized one corner was 3/8″ shorter – looked like a beaver chewed it. Grabbed the sander and just smacked it down rough anyway. “Character,” I told myself.

Assembly felt like wrestling angry bears. Laid sheets flat in driveway. Wind blew sawdust right into my coffee. Tried aligning edges but plywood warp laughed at me. Had to practically sit on them while jamming screws in crooked. Twisted one so hard the drill whined like a kicked dog. Glue squirted onto my only decent jeans.

Testing it was pure slapstick. Stepped on my new “stage” in socks – snagged immediately on a screw head I missed. Cursed. Sanded again like mad. Wife came out shaking her head. Tried a spin move… board buckled slightly near that short corner. Stomped the darn thing down hard. It held. Good enough. Sweating like a pig, I duct-taped the seams from underneath like a true amateur.

Portable? Sure – if you’re a weightlifter. Thing weighed a ton. Had to drag it inch by inch using furniture sliders. Finally got it onto the patio. Took a victory step… and noticed squirrel tracks in the wet glue near corner #3. Little bastard sabotaged my masterpiece. Left them. Adds grip, probably.

End result? It’s ugly as homemade sin. Don’t look too close at the seams. But yesterday I danced for two hours straight without falling or wrecking my knees. Floor stayed put. Mission accomplished. Total cost? $17 for screws I didn’t have and a six-pack to calm my nerves.