Alright so this week my living room floor decided it wanted to be a percussion instrument. Right near the sofa. Every time someone walked past – SCREEEECH. Drove me nuts. Figured it was time to shut that orchestra down.

Started simple. I grabbed some talcum powder – the old wives tale trick. Puffed that stuff deep into the crack where the noise came from. Walked back and forth. Nope. Still singing like a rusty hinge. Wasted ten minutes. Okay, scratch that.

Knew I had to get serious. Dragged the sofa out of the way. Got down on my hands and knees, ear practically glued to the floorboards. Poked around until I felt it – one plank felt loose under my finger. Pressed down hard right there. SQUEAL! Gotcha.

Dug out my hammer and a bunch of special long nails I got from the hardware store ages ago for this exact kinda job. They call ’em ‘flooring nails’ or something. Pointy end, thick head. Found the spot that was bouncing. Picked my first target carefully. This ain’t a ‘whack everything’ situation.

This is the tricky bit:

• Lined the nail up dead straight, aiming it right where the loose board meets the solid wood beam underneath.
• Tapped gently at first to get it started straight. Bent two nails doing this too fast – dammit.
• Once it bit in, gave it solid, firm whacks. Not baseball swing hard, but definite thunks with the hammer. The sound changes when it sinks deep. You can feel it stop moving.
• Drove that sucker in flush with the board. Maybe even a hair below. Didn’t want any shiny heads sticking up.
• Moved down the squeaky zone, about a fist-width apart, driving nails like this. One… then another… maybe four or five total along the wobbly stretch.

Sounded like a construction site for a few minutes.

Stood up. Stomped right on the spots I’d just nailed.

Silence.

Beautiful, glorious silence. Did a little victory shuffle right there on the spot. Nothing but the sound of my feet tapping the wood.

Pushed the sofa back, plopped down. Waited for the wife to come home. Made her walk across it.

“Did you finally fix that damn squeak?” she asked.

“Yup.”

No more floor music. Just peace. Easy fix, once you stop messing with powder and find the real problem.