Okay, so today’s project was fixing those stupid wobbly floorboards in my guest room. You know when you walk across them and they creak and bounce like some cheap dance floor? Yeah, that’s what “fixed dancing hard assembled wooden flooring” means in my world.

Step One: Panic and Prodding

Started by stomping around the room like a lunatic trying to find every single loose spot. Marked each cursed plank with blue painter’s tape – ended up with more tape than floor. Seriously, the whole room looked like a crime scene for bad carpentry.

Step Two: Violent Science

Grabbed my old crowbar and a claw hammer like I was hunting ghosts in the floor. Ripped off the baseboards first – wood dust exploded everywhere, totally coated my hair. Shoved my finger between planks to feel gaps. Felt air under three boards near the window. Got mad and hammered the tape spots hard. Surprise! They bounced higher than my last parking ticket fine.

Step Three: Shotgun Supplies Raid

Went to the hardware store with zero plan. Wandered aisles grabbing random crap:

• Wood screws shorter than my temper
• This putty stuff claiming to “expand like magic”
• Industrial-strength glue
• Some wood shims that looked like oversized toothpicks
• Safety goggles I forgot to wear later

Step Four: Chaos Installation

Drilled pilot holes near the tape spots like YouTube tutorials told me to. Dropped screws in like planting seeds – half of them vanished into the abyss under the boards. Shoved shims into gaps until some snapped off inside. Stabbed the expanding putty tube so hard it squirted on my jeans. Thought I was done until I stepped on a screw that popped back up. Perfect.

Step Five: Victory by Brutality

Came back the next morning madder than ever. Glued the baseboards with enough adhesive to trap a bear. Stood on every board jumping like a kid on a trampoline. Heard one tiny creak, slammed three more screws through it. Floor now feels harder than my landlord’s heart. Still got weird glue streaks on the planks though. Honestly? Looks better than it dances now.

Lessons learned: Wood floors hate subtlety. More screws > fewer screws. Expanding putty smells like Satan’s gym socks.